Ironic isn’t it? My last post was an apology for not writing in a year and it’s been a year since I wrote that. I guess what I have to remember, is that this blog is written entirely for selfish reasons. I truly hope anyone who stumbles upon it can take something away from it but I also think the chances of anyone stumbling upon it are slim to none. This blog isn’t promoted, it has no reason to be “pinned”, it doesn’t grab your attention with pretty pictures or amazing font. This blog is to clear my head. To help me work things out, to help me understand situations or sometimes, at the very least to move on even without resolution. Some days, I even write to be funny 🙂
For those of you that made it through that, here is the real reason I am here tonight.
I have been struggling. With absolutely everything. All at once, ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. Everything is hard and it absolutely shouldn’t be. I have a pretty fucking amazing life. When you flip through a magazine or you watch a commercial and you see that “typical” woman. Yeah… totally me! Decent looking, decent build, hot husband, gorgeous kids, great house, beautiful yard, nice SUV, decent”ish” job and a fantastic old dog that loves us like we are his own. There’s no curtain of horror we’re hiding, no skeletons in the closet, I’m honestly a pretty open book about most things. What you see is what you get. So, I have no reason to strugggle. NONE. Right?
BUT I DO. I struggle. I cry for great reasons (well written songs, tear jerker commercials) and I cry for no reason. I get angry sometimes because I have two teenagers (and even though my kids are amazing, teenagers are assholes) and I sometimes get angry because there are fingerprints on my fridge. I laugh so hard at times because my husband can be a giant dork who can light up a moment with something as simple as a smart ass comment and other times I laugh as hard as I can because it is better than having an emotional breakdown.
You know what? I think this is pretty NORMAL! I truly believe that these crazy, chaotic lives that we have all built for ourselves bring out the best and worst and everything in between in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. I believe we are not alone. I think we all have a little bit of crazy (can we still say that?) tucked neatly away so only our most trusted allies get to see it.
We live in a day and age where people understand that conditions created by mental health issues exist. We see the tragic results of depression far too often. No-one can say they haven’t witnessed the debilitating effects anxiety can have on a person because we’ve all watched celebrities struggle with it. We live in a day and age that these are not secrets, they are not skeletons and people struggling are not considered “at fault” for these issues anymore and yet we still are not compassionate or cognisant of it.
Because I don’t like feelings, I don’t talk about them. I cut ties, I close the door and I move on. I am labeled by some as cold, others as strong, by most as a bitch (lol). I have been told by friends that they wish they could be more like me. Just move on, don’t be bothered by stuff. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE??? I don’t act the way I do because I’m cold or strong (although I can be a right bitch at times) I do them as a defence. I’m protecting myself from further pain (a therapist would credit this to my seperation anxiety issues), I don’t like it. I don’t just “move on”. It hurts, I lose sleep, I feel like a giant bag of shit over it and no-one gets it. Friends wish they could be more like that? OMG… I’ve been bottling shit up for so many years, I’ve probably forgotten half of it.
We are slowly learning to look for those around us who may need someone to talk to. What we aren’t learning is that EVERYONE needs someone to talk to. Even that super strong person that you wish you could be more like. She needs someone to talk to! Don’t allow yourself to make a mold for people who struggle because there isn’t one. Sometimes the person you think is just fine, might be the person the mold was built from.